Growing Gracie

I have neglected this blog far too long.  There is a topic I have long neglected as well.  I suppose it's because up until this morning, I wasn't sure how to share my feelings.  A little over 18 months ago, we brought home a sweet baby girl.  It was a long wait and we weren't extremely patient.  Saying that we were thrilled when we brought her home would be quite an understatement.  Madi was absolutely BESIDE herself.  She wanted a little sister so badly and has just loved bringing her 'only child' days to an end.  We have such wonderful friends and family who have been so supportive and we appreciate that more than words can express.

Gracie's birth mother is a sweet, young girl who was in a really tough position.  She herself had lost her mother and had little contact with her father.  She faced an extremely difficult decision.  She was determined to finish school and be sure that her baby would have a good home.  She made what I am certain was the most difficult decision she has ever faced.  We make efforts to keep in contact with her and hope to have her be a part of our lives in the future.

Over the last year and a half, we have come to realize how many misconceptions people have about adoption.  This did not exactly come as a surprise.  With all the waiting we did, I read plenty of books about adoption, trans racial adoption, fast track adoption, communications with birth parents - anything I could get my hands on.  It's one thing to read it and prepare for it.  It's quite another to figure out how to deal with it in real life.

The following are some misconceptions people have:

1.  Mothers who place their children for adoption didn't want their babies.

2.  Birth parents are often drug abusers and probably lie about it.

3.  Even new born babies who have been adopted know they weren't wanted. 

4.  Adoptive couples don't want to or shouldn't maintain contact with birth parents.

5.  Adoptive parents don't feel the same about their adopted children as they do about their biological children.

6.  All African American hair is the same (or bi-racial, white, hispanic hair for that matter)

I could make a much longer list, but you get the idea.  Some of these may shock you.  Others will not.  After all my reading, the fact that I faced these misconceptions didn't surprise me.  I have not, however, had a clear idea of how I could approach the topic without offending others or making them feel bad or even leading them to believe that I am offended.  99 times out of 100 when someone makes a comment about adoption to me, it is well intended even if based on a misconception.

So let me address the list.

1.  Mothers who place their children for adoption didn't want their babies.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  These birth mothers carry their babies for 9 months and go through the same bonding process the rest of us do.  The decision to place a child is a heart wrenching one, I am certain.  These birth mothers are determined to put the needs of their babies above their own wants and feelings.  If they didn't love their babies, they would disregard what was best for the child and do what they want - keep the baby.  They are strong, admirable women.

2.  Birth parents are often drug abusers and probably lie about it.  I am certain that situations like this occur.  I think more often than not with private adoptions, birth parents tend to be young adults who have gotten in a tough situation and nothing more.  So if you see a child crying or acting out, it does NOT mean that one of the birth parents had a substance abuse problem.  Even if the birth parents happen to have such a problem, don't assume a child's behavior is a reflection of it.  And the adoptive parents certainly don't need to have it brought to their attention.  They will be more aware of it than any bystander - both their child's behavior and their medical background.  All children have different tempers even when they come from the same birth parents.  They have their own personalities, likes, dislikes.  I'm certain parents with large families are nodding their heads to that one!

3.  Even new born babies who have been adopted know they weren't wanted.  Again I emphatically say not true!  These babies were and are wanted!  Their birth parents most often wanted them along with the birth parents' extended families.  And they are wanted by the adopting family.

4.  Adoptive couples don't want to or shouldn't maintain contact with birth parents.  There are times where this might be true, based on birth parents' lifestyles.  I think the opposite can be true with a lot of private adoptions and we certainly want to maintain contact with Gracie's birth mother as long as she is willing.  Maintaining contact can actually be very good for a birth mother.  It can help her feel like she made a good decision based on the fact that she can see the well being of her child.  I think it can be good for the child as well.  As I said, there are obviously cases where this is not feasible.  We can't just assume it's a good thing or a bad thing.  Please trust that adoptive families have done their homework and do not make these decisions lightly.

5.  Adoptive parents don't feel the same about their adopted children as they do about their biological children.  I can only answer for myself on this topic.  I have two daughters.  One is my biological daughter and the other is my adopted daughter.  They are both MINE.  I love them both.  Not everyone gets to have the experience of having both biological and adopted children.  But I did and I love both of my girls to pieces.  Not sure I can even describe it.

6.  All African American hair is the same (or bi-racial, white, hispanic hair for that matter)  This topic for the most part just makes me smile.  I remember a lady who worked with me at the hospital after our family was in a car accident.  She was one of my two favorite people and I hated it when she wasn't there.  I can't believe I have forgotten her name.  I was certain I would remember it always!  I begged people to wash my hair after days of laying in that hospital bed.  They were afraid to move me to the shower - and for good reason too.  When I finally talked someone into that, it was a disaster.  But this sweet lady ordered me a bottle of rinse-less shampoo. I couldn't take it anymore.  However weak it may have been, my hair's condition would soon improve at least to some degree!  This sweet lady washed and brushed my hair for me and went about the rest of her rounds.  She came back some hours later to check on me.  She looked kind of surprised and asked me if someone had come while she was gone to curl my hair for me.  No, I replied rather confused.  Oh, I see. You have one of those perms in your hair right?  Again my reply was no.  Now SHE was confused.  Is your hair curly, Heidi?  Yes it is.  She looked embarrassed.  Now don't take this the wrong way.  I don't want to offend you.  I didn't know white people could have naturally curly hair.  Oh we both had a good laugh about that!  Just like not every white person has the same hair, not every bi-racial, black, hispanic or any other race's hair is the same!  Just because one person's hair can do something, doesn't mean every person of that race could get their hair to do that if they actually knew better how to take care of it.  I love, love, love my Gracie girls head of curls.  She just got her 1st haircut last week and I was so sad to have to do it.  It needed evened up though.   Before the cut when her hair was pulled straight, it was well past her shoulders.  I fully intend to take care of her beautiful curls and let them grow as long as she likes.  I personally love her curls so much, that I hope she never wants to chemically alter her hair or keep it short.  At a certain age (much, MUCH older I assure you) I will have to let her make those decisions for herself.  But I plan to love her natural locks as long as I can.

So why am I bringing this up now when most of my family, friends and acquaintances understand most of these things?  Our little Gracie girl is growing up so fast, I can hardly keep up.  She communicates and understands more every day.  Sometimes people are curious and want to ask questions.  Sometimes people sincerely want to help us and give us advice.  I know these comments and questions come from people with sincere intentions, but Gracie is a baby - soon to be a little girl.  She will hear people asking me if her birth mother did drugs when they see her crying.  She will hear people ask me if I've adjusted to maintaining a head of hair they view as 'difficult' or a lot of work, or how so and so's hair is so cute and I should try to get Gracie's hair to look more like that.  These things are bound to come up no matter what.  I guess I'm asking for those in our circle of acquaintance to understand that even these well intended comments could cause additional insecurity for a little girl.  Girls do often experience insecurity on their own after all ;)  I don't want anyone to worry that they've offended me or feel like they can't ask me questions.  I'm just hoping that more and more people will understand my hope that questions along these lines can be postponed until an opportunity with a more private setting is available.

Please remember when you run into me at the store or in the hallway at church and find me looking tired or frazzled, it's not because I don't love my toddler.  It's not that I'm wishing something different for my life or think my life is too hard.  It's just that after all is said and done, I am still just a mother of a toddler.  I love her to pieces.  Toddlers are busy and I am about 8 years out of practice and maybe even about 8 years older than last time I did this:)  If I could do this all over again, I'd do the exact same thing.  If money grew on trees, I'd do it ten more times.  I know it's right for us and we are so happy.  We are are so blessed to have these two beautiful girls, to have such wonderful friends, to live in such a wonderful community and to have the gospel in our lives to guide us.  Thank-you so much for all your love and support!